A Guided Tour Through the Moral-Compass-Waving Cult of Israeli Guilt Enthusiasts

(Bring your own antacids. Moral stomach aches guaranteed.)

There are constants in this world: the sun rises in the east, the IDF is always “just about to finish the briefing,” and Haaretz never misses a chance to present Israel only after it has been marinated, slow-cooked, and glazed in industrial-grade self-loathing.
Think of it like gefilte fish: grind it, drown it in ironic sauce, and pray nobody notices it’s supposed to be Jewish.

But what is Haaretz, really?
A newspaper?
A magazine?
An academic zine for people who collect crossword puzzles about colonial guilt?
Or, as whispered proudly in the cafés of Berlin, is it simply a factory for export-quality Defamation of Israel™?
Bulk shipment available. No minimum order.

How to Spot a Haaretz Reader in 3 Seconds

If someone drinks almond-milk espresso and quotes Gideon Levy before 10 AM – congratulations, you’ve spotted the species.

Like red wine, Haaretz isn’t for everyone:
Some sip it.
Some faint from the first drop.
Others insist it’s a “delicate, complex vintage” while everyone else wonders, “How the hell do you drink this?”

Because Haaretz isn’t a beverage – it’s a bitter ideological liqueur.
A shot of agenda with a twist of existential crisis.

Haaretz: Where Reality Is Just a Suggestion

In the Haaretz universe, facts are raw materials; the paper is the processing plant.
Truth is optional.
Narrative is mandatory.

IDF achievement?
“Symptom of authoritarian tendencies.”
Terror attack on Israeli civilians?
“Contextual expression of despair.”

If you’re looking for a place that turns terrorists into “sensitive souls” and Israel into the unruly kid disrupting Europe’s classroom – welcome home.

The Haaretz Formula™

Every headline is built from three mandatory ingredients:

1. Creative self-blame
   Not “Terrorist attacks civilians.”
   But: “A young, troubled Palestinian overwhelmed by circumstances.”
2. A wink to Europe
   If The Guardian liked it, it must be truth.
3. Bitter, tiny-font coffee
   Just to make sure you don’t accidentally start enjoying life.

When a Newspaper Becomes a Cult

Open Haaretz and you’re not getting news.
You’re getting a manifesto.

A retelling of reality through a black-and-white filter dividing the world into:
“Enlightened” vs. “Primitive.”
You get exactly one guess which side the Zionist majority is on.

According to Haaretz:
Right-wing? Not a political view – a moral failure.
Zionism? Not liberation – an “ongoing complication.”
Democracy? Always in danger.
But strangely, only when the left loses elections.

Israel? No. A “Territorial Entity.”

One of the funniest things about Haaretz is how it conceals the word “Israel” behind a thesaurus:

“the space,”
“the zone,”
“the sovereign unit,”
“the area formerly known as a country.”

Any moment now they’ll call it
“A colonial construct suffering from whiteness privilege.”

No other newspaper in the world writes about its own homeland like a field worker in an NGO in Kabul.

So Who Reads Haaretz?

• Academics who once wrote a book with the word “Discourse” in the title.
• Retirees from Ramat Aviv with round glasses, inherited apartments, and organic yogurt containers arranged by color.
• Tel Aviv residents – but not the beer-on-Frishman ones. The ones who drink Bordeaux on Ben-Gurion Street while reading French philosophy.

Common trait: they desperately want Israel to be “a normal country like Sweden,” forgetting that Sweden isn’t located between Hamas and Hezbollah.

Haaretz as a Product:

The Tofu-Flavored Protein Bar of Journalism**

You don’t buy it for “news.”
You buy it to join a club.

The Haaretz reader has already been vaccinated against patriotism.
He screams, “I have the right to criticize the state!”
But criticize his criticism?
Suddenly you’re “silencing voices” and “flirting with fascism.”

The Mythical Haaretz Reader – A Field Guide

Typical profile:

• Male, 53
• Round glasses
• Apartment inheritance: confirmed
• Recycles religiously
• Nutritional habits: vegan unless in Europe
• Mild but stable contempt for his own people
• Believes Israel “lost its way,” and he alone remains sane – a prophet without God, armed with an Italian moka pot and Facebook posts about “emerging fascism.”

How to Manufacture Professional-Grade Defamation

Step 1: Take any Israeli event.
Step 2: Add these keywords:

“Shame,”
“Occupation,”
“Slippery slope,”
“Darkness,”
“Democratic collapse,”
“Messianic right,”
“Disaster.”

Step 3: Translate it into English.
Step 4: Ship it overseas – where the real audience is.

Because let’s be honest: Haaretz is like a hi-tech guy who moved to Berlin but kept his Tel Aviv apartment.
Lives there; complains here.

The Flags They Forgot

The problem isn’t that Haaretz is left-wing.
Left-wing is great. Debate is healthy.

The problem is that they forgot something basic:
We’re not going anywhere.

The Jewish people weren’t born in a newsroom.
They were born on mountains and deserts long before any editorial board demanded we apologize for existing.

They forgot that without Zionism they wouldn’t be free to sip macchiatos while writing why Zionists are dangerous.

They forgot that real pluralism includes people who don’t think like them.

So Who’s Really Hurting Israel’s Image?

Haaretz loves screaming that the right “damages Israel’s reputation abroad.”

But when Haaretz itself publishes, every day, in English, a steady drip of delegitimization – somehow that’s “an important public debate.”

It’s like a kid poking holes in every tire in the neighborhood while shouting:
“Everyone else is the problem!”

The Grand Irony

Haaretz worships “pluralism” –
as long as your opinions come with:

• a Berlin souvenir mug,
• a TikTok sunset from Copenhagen,
• and three annual posts explaining how Independence Day is actually a day of mourning.

Try offering a Zionist perspective?
“Sorry, wrong club. Try Israel Hayom.”

Haaretz – A Lifestyle Product for People Who Think in English but Argue in Hebrew

Open your eyes:
This is a newspaper written in Hebrew, thinking in English, and aimed directly at European moral taste buds.

The twist?
Israelis aren’t the real audience.
The readers crave criticism of Israel – it gives them a luxurious moral high.

But anyone who believes Zionism isn’t a curse word, and IDF soldiers aren’t villains in a French film – well, Haaretz isn’t exactly their spiritual home.

So, Haaretz or “Defaming the Land Daily”?

Call it what you want.
Despite all the contempt, the moral sneering, the performative guilt –
they still live in a Jewish, strong, sovereign, Zionist state.

And no headline, no editorial, no existential meltdown will change that.

While Haaretz writes about the Defamation of the Land,
we’ll keep writing about the Land itself.

The real one.
The one that fights.
The one that wins.
The one that grows, builds, innovates – and wakes up every morning in spite of every gloomy headline.

Haaretz isn’t a newspaper.
It’s a cultural club with a glass door as tall as the writers’ egos.

But Israel has room for everyone –
even for those whose spiritual address is somewhere in Berlin.

Just remember:
While they’re busy reporting on protests in Stockholm,
someone here still has to guard the border.