Congratulations! You’ve reached the age of 18. No, that doesn’t mean someone will put a shiny gold medal around your neck, and you won’t find bags of gold at the entrance to the assisted living facility. Nor will they hand you gold bars in the waiting room at the family doctor’s office (although if you wait there long enough, you might have a heart attack). Because with all due respect to the poetic name – “the golden age” – the real gold remains, how to say, outside of retirement.

The Golden Lie

Let’s start with the big lie: This is not a golden age. This is an age of treadmills, calcium, and WhatsApp messages with enlarged captions. If there is gold in the golden age, it is probably buried deep in the bottoms of the stock market, or in the pockets of insurance companies that have been collecting premiums since 1974.

But make no mistake – it is not that there are no good things at this age. It is simply that they come with a panic button.

When did it start?

In the past, golden age was considered the moment when a person ended their professional life, and devoted themselves to their hobbies: painting, writing, gardening, or founding niche parties called “Citizens 60+ with the Right to Speak.” But today, with the increase in life expectancy and the decline in the value of everything except Bitcoin, 70-year-olds find themselves waiting tables at their grandchildren’s restaurants to finance their retirement.

Benefits? Not exactly

That’s right, there is a “golden retiree” card, which gives discounts at the cinema – as long as you can remember what you went to see. There is free public transportation – that is, free in theory. In reality, you get on the bus, sit down in a questionable seat, and spend 40 minutes talking to someone from the Histadrut who tells you about her cataract surgery.

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And of course there is the ultimate attraction: an organized trip to Albania. Why Albania? Because it’s the only place where your pension is still worth something.

Love in Old Age: Chapter 2 (and 3)

In old age, it’s not just the couples who break up – the couples too. Divorce rates among retirees are skyrocketing. Why? Because after 40 years of loud silences, there comes a moment when you realize that the woman of your life is actually the cat you feed in the garden.

But don’t worry – there are also dates! Apps like “Grandmother”, “Tinder” and “Dating for Seniors with a Pulse” offer new opportunities. As long as you don’t forget your password, phone number or the reason you opened the app in the first place.

Golden Ceremonies: Self-Obituary

Instead of celebrating your golden age with a trip on a private jet (or just a taxi), this age has become a trend for “summaries”: self-farewell ceremonies, writing obituaries while you’re still alive, or joining Facebook groups with names like “I ate gefilte and survived”.

Self-humor? Necessary. Alternative? Clinical depression and binge drinking of the “eighties”.

So where is the gold?

The short answer: With the grandchildren.

The long answer: The gold is somewhere between the television set tuned to Channel 11, and the tin box with the cookies that long ago became a sewing box. Gold is the ability to tell the same story for the eighth time in a row without anyone interrupting you. Gold is the right to say whatever is on your mind – without filters, without political correctness and without guilt.

Gold is the ability to complain without apologizing.

Summary: Life is not “white gold”, it’s 3% milk

Golden age is not a glamorous time, but if you have a sense of humor, stubbornness and functioning dentures – you have everything you need. So don’t ask where the gold is handed out. Have a cup of tea, sit back and enjoy the fact that no one expects you to make an effort anymore. Just make sure you have the sign.

And if someone does hand out gold – remember where you first heard about it. Or at least try.

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